How to create boundaries during this time of quarantine.
As many parents realize, being at home with your children 24 hrs a day, for an unforeseeable future, managing emotions, trying to maintain your own inner level of sanity, while also making sure that the house doesn’t become a mess, making frequent meals, snacks, diffusing any sibling rivalry, and also juggling your own professions… let’s just take a collective breath together and then SIGH i.t. a..l..l.. o…u…t…
As a certified elementary (grades 1-6) and TESOL (k-12) teacher, life coach, and current social-emotional learning specialist for NYC schools, I am writing you to provide context and structure for your sanity during this time. I’ve come to debunk all that you may hear or have heard about social-emotional learning and tell you that positive social-emotional skills come from a foundation of healthy relationships and strong adult role modeling. This means that, your only job (other than all the external things I mentioned above) is to show your humanness and, be yourselves.
We think that kids want or need us to be superheroes. Really, what kids need is consistency. They don’t need you to save them, they need role models who show them healthy ways to process and navigate struggles. They need role models who are also transparent. It is widely known, especially to us teachers, that kids are amazingly intuitive. They can sense when you are upset, when you are angry, anxious, insert any emotion here _____. They learn from you how to handle their own similar emotions based on the way you act. Take a second to think about your childhood. When your mom or dad was upset, what behavior and action did they engage in to express or release that emotion? Do you use those same techniques?
For example, when I think about my childhood, I am grateful that there was no quarantine back then. The reason why is because my mother, every summer, vacation time, or prolonged week where it was just her with her three kids… she would say the following things.. “my name isn’t mom, im counting down the days till school starts, I can’t wait for the house to be empty, stop calling my name, leave me alone, I need a Xanax and, I’m tuning you out.” What I learned from the non-explicit boundaries and coping mechanisms she set was that when I am at my limit, I respond with vague responses, irritation without cause or reason, blow up, and isolate/tune out. In past relationships, I used her passive aggressive tone to say “im tuning you out, leave me alone,” never informing my partners when my boundary was about to be crossed. It took me 32 years and I’m still learning about how to set clear boundaries, state my needs, and inform others when I am close to reaching my limit.
For most of us, we were told things without given reasons for why we needed them, only giving “half-ass” answers such as “because I said so.” (which by the way they made a cute romcom about starring Diane Keaton, who also lacked proper boundaries with her kids… maybe we need to give way for that saying).
So, below are some helpful tools in establishing boundaries.
- Determine your needs for this time of quarantine and write them all down. Not just some, ALL OF YOUR NEEDS.
- Use anger as a tool to identifying your needs. Anger is the emotion that shows up immediately when our boundary has been crossed. (you can teach and share that with your kiddos). Anger informs you when someone has crossed your boundary as it is the quickest way for you to know that your need hasn’t be met.
(think of hands up in the pushing motion you see kids do). List all the times that anger shows up in relationship, and in particular, in your relationship to your partner and family.
2. Sit down with your family and share your needs and boundaries. Be honest. Be vulnerable. ALWAYS share by stating what this looks and sounds like. Express the feeling in your body when a need isn’t met.
Do not say “I need respect” and move on. State what respect looks like for you. For example, I need everyone to listen and show me eye contact when I am speaking.”
a. From my experience: As a school teacher, I have had to tell several students that I need to personal space, which looks like not hanging on me all day. I share that I do not mind giving hugs but I want to be asked for a hug instead of being touched. I tell students that when my personal space is invaded I feel like I can’t breathe. I demonstrate the experience I have using my body. It is important for all student to recognize their emotions and where it comes from in their body. I also share an example like, “it’s similar to being crammed in on a bus on a hot day.” Then, I ask if students feel the same way. They usually want to share examples. I thank them for their honesty and add personal space to our list of needs. If they see me demonstrating the “i cant breathe body language” and look of overwhelm, they will always inform others, Ms. Y needs her personal space. Kids always want to support you.
b. Common misconception, no kid wants to incite you and get under your skin UNLESS you are not meeting their needs. All kids want to be seen as powerful and love when you bring them into meaningful, adult like conversation. Think about babies, when you stop that baby voice and talk to them like people “Oh im so excited to see you, it’s been a crazy day.” THEY LOVE IT!
3. Make a list of all your needs as a family and together, brainstorm some ways you plan on meeting those needs. For example, after breakfast Mom needs to regroup before going online to do her work. Have your children share what they will do and ways for you to meet your needs. If your children say you can breathe and close the door to your room, stress your concern about how to make sure they are staying safe. Can you hold one child in charge? Can you not only rely on your oldest child and de-emphasize the subliminal hierarchy, and provide different roles?
a. You can share suggestions you have, maybe during Mom’s regroup hour, each child can take turns showering, brushing teeth, and making the bed. Can you set each kid up in front of an exercise video. Be creative. Maybe you can start a family puzzle, collage, etc.
4. The most important thing on this list, I believe, is seeing your children as having their own unique needs and boundaries. As parents, we tend to project ourselves onto our children thinking that they are a product of us. We also try to emerge as the superhero parent or the lawn mower parent, making sure everything is perfect and they know how loved they are. In the long run, that creates children who cannot advocate for their needs and break down when any struggle arises. Show your children that you see them as people and celebrate their voice and personality in the family dynamic.
